Forgiveness
by Painted Sky
Summary: [ I’m not wise. I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking, lately. About why I came, and what I want. All I know is that I’m staying with you, because you and I are the same, Ashe. ] [ oneshot ] [ Vaan x Ashe ] [ Phon Coast ] [ please forgive me, Vaan ]


**A/N: ****I would apologize that this took so long, but it's a oneshot that came out of nowhere, so no one was expecting it. **

**My background music: Hallelujah by Paramore**

**Forgiveness:**

_Vaan couldn't sleep._

_Why was that, he wondered? _

_He had never really struck himself as an insomniac, especially since he had begun this quickly-tiring, fast-paced adventure among friends, sky pirates, traitors and fallen royalty. After a long day's journey, Vaan would be exhausted enough to fall asleep instantly, and spend eight hours completely unconscious until he was shaken awake the next morning by one of his comrades, usually Balthier ("A sky pirate must be alert and on the go at early hours, Vaan,"). _

_He took a moment to glance around. They had made it far in a day's time, through almost all of the Salikawood and to the Hunter's Camp in the Phon Coast. It was like the desert, Vaan reasoned, only—different. Sure, there was sand, but the beach sand was different than the desert sand. The sand here was sugary white, with green plants springing out of it every so often, happy to be by the water. And the water, that was another thing that made the Phon Coast different. There was wind in the desert, too, but the river's breeze brought the smell of salt to Vaan's nose, even though they had set up camp a ways from the river on top of a green hill. Their fire had gone out a little while ago, but there were a few burning embers that still shone against the dark night. It's didn't matter. They had simply made a fire out of habit, but now that they were in Archadia, the warm climate was a nice contrast to the other places they had been recently—say—the Paramina Rift, or the Golmore Jungle. _

_Vaan's gently chugging train of thought was sent careening in another direction by the rustling of blankets and soft footsteps down the hill. In the darkness, he was unable to make out who had left as they walked away, but by the remaining glow of the embers, he accounted for all of the members of his party. Penelo, Basch, Balthier, Fran—oh. Ashe. Ashe was gone. He sighed, a short, frustrated sigh. Of all the other people in his party to be his fellow insomniac, it had to be Ashe. He continued thinking. What was her problem, anyway? She didn't think about anything (or anyone else) than herself and her own goals. Sure, she had Dalmasca's future in mind, but would it kill her to as what the rest of her party felt like doing? She was stubborn and single-minded, and would sacrifice whatever it took to reach her prize, that being Dalmasca's freedom. _

_And hell, he had even watched as she gave away her own wedding ring to Balthier, so he would take them to Jahara to speak with the Garif. That angered him for some reason that he was unable to label, at the moment. He hated the idea of Balthier trying to manipulate the fallen princess, especially for motives—well—for reasons other than riches. Ultima knows she had more valuable things on her (Hell, she had a ruby the size of a shiny silver ten gil piece encrusted into her collar), but instead, he asked for her wedding ring. He sat up slightly, leaning on his elbows, and glanced over at Balthier's sleeping form, taking a moment to glare at the sky pirate. Sure, Vaan had taken to him immediately, having harbored the dream of being a sky pirate since birth, but there was something about the way he treated the princess that just—irked him. Balthier snored slightly, as if he knew someone was thinking about him. At the sound, Fran stirred beside her partner. Vaan decided it was best to leave the campsite, at this point, lest he wake up the entire party. _

_In one swift motion, he stood up and glanced around the rest of the beach. The Phon Coast looked beautiful, the crystal-clear water reflecting the bright, half moon that hovered in the cloudless sky. For a moment, he wondered where Ashe had disappeared to, but he quickly spotted her a ways away, staring at the water intently. He swallowed and began walking in her direction. _

_Now, Vaan wanted to make it over to Ashe without disturbing her. The concept was almost laughable. Vaan wasn't naturally a quiet person. But in Rabanastre, you don't have to be, he reminded himself. Rabanastre was noisy and bustling with life, day and night. But everything here seemed so—still. But Ashe must have been in deep thought, because she didn't notice him until he was standing beside her. _

"_What in Ultima's name are you doing up at this hour?" She asked, her brow furrowing slightly. Vaan was slightly taken aback by her hostility._

"_Not sleeping. And I could ask you the same thing." Both stung slightly by the other's words, the companions turned their attention to the ocean. They were close enough to the coast that the growing tide touched their shoes in the lightest of ways. The moon shone brilliantly, and struck a certain loneliness within Vaan._

"_Do nights like these make you think of him?" Vaan shut his mouth suddenly. He hadn't planned on asking her that, but it all just came out…And with Ashe, saying the wrong thing didn't always work out so well. She didn't have to ask who Vaan had referred to. They both knew. A look flashed across Ashe's face, something he couldn't quite figure out, but in an instant, it was gone._

"_Yes. I couldn't sleep, myself. I felt something was—troubling me." _

"_The prince?" To Vaan's surprise, Ashe shook her head. "What was it?" He asked, sounding genuinely concerned. _

_Ashe shook her head again. "Better to keep my troubles to myself than to burden another without necessity." Vaan took a moment to peer at her intently. _

"_How can you stand to think like that?" When Vaan's words came out, he regretted how they sounded. Ashe seemed to draw back slightly, stung by his criticism. But then she narrowed her eyebrows, looking bitter._

"_Such a thing is required of someone in my position."_

"_Your position?" _

"_Royalty, Vaan. As the ruler of my country, I can be dependent on no one."_

_Vaan narrowed his eyebrows and stared back at her, not caring how critical he sounded. _

"_You may be royalty, but you're a person, too. I don't know how you can stand to bottle up how you feel, like this."_

"_I have to." She said simply, definitively, not leaving room for him to continue. As she turned away, Vaan continued to stare at her, shaking his head in disbelief. _

"_Oh, I get it. I suppose you think that you're better than the rest of us. No goal is as noble as yours, no cause as great as yours, no regret as painful as yours." Vaan said angrily. Ashe turned back around quickly, looking livid. _

"_Who are you, but a stranger, to say you know my pain?" Her brown eyes seemed fiery, even her complexion seemed flushed in the moonlight. The tide was coming up farther now, covering their shoes as an angry gaze bonded the two together. _

"_I don't know your pain!" Vaan replied angrily, "You call us your companions, but you never let anyone else in. But you can't even begin to think that maybe we could help you, if only you'd let us." He was now aware that he had crossed some important borderlines, but he had to tell her what had been weighing on his mind, "You just continue, giving everything away for Dalmasca's freedom, Ultima forbid you forge a bond with anyone!" _

_Ashe knew exactly what he had referred to. Looking hurt, she replied in a slightly softer voice, "This is about the ring, isn't it?"_

_All of a sudden, the anger drained out of Vaan as the ocean washed over his feet once more. He broke his gaze with Ashe, his shoulders drooped, and he sighed. He said nothing, but his silence was answer enough. _

"_I had to, Vaan." _

"_No, no you didn't." Vaan sat down on a boulder situated beside them, looking away from his companion slightly. "Maybe I don't understand, but you can't just give something like that up…not that easily." Vaan shook his head. What was wrong with her?_

"_Vaan, I'm not sure you—"_

"_Then please, tell me what I don't understand. You were married to Rasler, right? And you can just give up your wedding ring to a sky pirate, and then claim you're honoring his memory?"_

"_So you expect me to dwell on the past forever?" Ashe asked, looking bitter, "I'm not sure you understand what Rasler and I had. Royal marriages aren't for love."_

_Vaan shook his head, still unable to make eye contact with her. "And that makes it okay? That you care for Balthier more than you ever would have for Rasler, even if he had lived?" Even as he said the words, he realized that he had struck a chord with Ashe. _

"_I have to leave some things behind in order to return Dalmasca to it's original state. I didn't give Balthier that ring because I preferred him to Rasler, or even because I remotely cared for him."_

"_Because that would mean you might have actually gotten close to us. Sorry I even suggested it. Everything is for Dalmasca. But have you ever once thought of us?" Vaan asked softly, as the waves engulfed his ankles. All of a sudden, his mind relaxed and he was struck by how beautiful Ashe looked there in the moonlight, her soft facial features twisted into an expression of sorrow. _

"_I'm so…afraid." She said as she sat down beside him on the boulder, as the tide rushed up again. She scooted up farther on the boulder, and as her hand brushed his, he turned and asked, _

"_Of what?" He decided to treat the situation with delicacy, now that Ashe was finally opening up to him. He couldn't help but feel triumphant, as if he had defeated a powerful foe. _

"_Getting close to you—to anyone. This is the most free I will ever be in my entire life. I'm not bound by royal duties, by my bloodline. No one knows who I am, so I can be free."_

"_But you don't act like it." _

"_That's not the point. You, Penelo, Balthier, Penelo, Fran, even Basch, will be free for the rest of your lives. After I'm coroneted, I may never see or speak to you again. I'm afraid that if I get too attached to any of you, that I will constantly long for that freedom, even as I'm seated on the throne." _

_Vaan felt himself becoming critical again. "So you don't even let yourself get close us, even for a little while, because you don't want to miss us when you're gone." _

"_If you want to put it that way, yes." _

_There was a long silence, while Vaan got his thoughts back together. "You know, you don't have to live that way. I mean, if you do open up to the rest of us, you might miss us when you're on the throne, but at least you'll have the memories." The tide was growing, reaching their knees, now. But neither seemed to notice, or care. "You'll have something to remember us by. But if you keep going on like this, you'll wonder 'what if?'. And I know for a fact that wondering what could have been hurts so much more." _

_Vaan stared out at the ocean, and Ashe continued to look at him, as if trying to pull him apart and figure out what he was thinking. _

"_I—I'm thinking," Ashe began, and Vaan turned back to look at her, his stare broken, "I'm thinking you're right." She looked down, as if ashamed to admit such a thing. "You're wise, Vaan, more than I ever could have realized." She whispered, smiling in a painful, mirthless sort of way. _

_Vaan smiled slightly, gazing at Ashe, "I'm not wise. I've just been doing a lot of thinking, lately. About why I came, and what I want. Sure, I want to help liberate Dalmasca almost as much as you do, but that's not why. I'm staying with you, because you and I are the same, Ashe. We've both lost people to this war, and we both want to end it." Suddenly, he took her hands, one missing a wedding ring. He was slightly startled by how cold her hands were, but recovered instantly and said what he wanted to say, "I'm going to follow you to the ends of Ivalice, because I think you can help me, and maybe I can help you, if you would let me." He let go of her hands, suddenly feeling awkward. _

"_Please forgive me." She mumbled, almost incoherently. "I have never acknowledged you, or what you mean to me."_

"_I'll forgive you, if you agree to forgive me, because I never acknowledged your pain, or your struggles." And suddenly, all Vaan wanted to do was hold her in his arms, to do anything to wipe that sad smile off her face. _

"_If you forgive me, for shutting you out far more than you deserve." She said as Vaan pulled her into his arms, aware he was crossing another important borderline. She didn't seem startled in the least bit, which was slightly reassuring. She closed her eyes and laid her head down on his shoulder, as he whispered nearly inaudibly,_

"_I'll forgive you, but only if you promise me you'll never give up." _


End file.
